Normally this post would be how it has been a great year, how I made strides in my photography business. How it amazing it was. But that simply isn’t the case for 2020.
I have been debating about writing this and putting it out in the world for a couple of months now. I feel like I have let enough people down the past few months, that I should probably at least have some reasoning to my falling off the edge of the earth. I haven’t been posting much on social media, if I have, it’s been the bare minimum. I haven’t been taking on as many bookings, and I have been terrible at communication. I have basically crawled into a hole and haven’t really left.
My year started off fairly well, even considering COVID. It was going as well as it could be even during a pandemic. I was better off than a lot of people getting hit by the pandemic, so I wasn’t complaining. I had a pretty great summer, spending it on the lake with Brent, my husband, and close friends. Had a lot more free time to spend quality time with those that matter to me.
It got even better in late summer when we found out that I was pregnant!! We were excited, a bit overwhelmed, but very excited. Our families were excited, and the close friends we announced it too, was super happy for us. We were due in May 2021.
I assume anyone who just finds out they are pregnant, immediately start making plans, even if they don’t act on them right away. I started making plans to slow down my photography bookings so that we could make time to work on the house, nursery, and make plans for the future. Which looking back, was a smart move on my part. I would need the space.
October was an insane month. It always is for photographers, it’s the busiest month of the year. Not only did I have 4 weddings to photograph, but we also had a wedding in our backyard for our best friends. I was the maid of honor and was running around like a madwoman, trying to make everything perfect. I also had a week’s worth of fall minis that got fully booked up.
Middle of October, at 10 weeks, I lost the baby. Brent was on a road trip, out of state, with his family. I was prepping for a wedding that was 3 hours away the next day, and I lost the baby. Just like that, I had a miscarriage. I won’t go into detail about the days/weeks immediately after that. Just know, it was one of the most traumatic moments of my life. To my credit though, I did photograph that wedding that was 3 hours away. I am not really sure how, but I did.
The amount of pain, both physically and emotionally, was and still is so incredibly hard. I now know so many people go through this. I had so many people come up to me saying how their wife or themselves went through this and how hard it is. It’s so common, yet no one talks about it. They say that 1 in 4 women have a miscarriage, which is an insane amount.
People should talk about it. You know why? Because when I tell someone I had a miscarriage, they shouldn’t have to fumble for what to say and change the topic. I found out it was easier not to talk about it, even though I wanted to scream about it, because it was easier for others to not talk about it. It was better for them not to talk about it. Isn’t that terrible? The person who is going through possibly the most traumatic and emotional experience in their life doesn’t talk about it when they probably need to do that most of all.
It was better to go numb than to share my pain with others. It was better to say I am fine than to make others feel uncomfortable. I did try to talk about it, but besides a couple of people, people would rather not. You could instantly tell they were uncomfortable, avoid eye contact, and change the topic. And who can blame them? I don’t. People don’t talk about it so no one knows how to respond. Heck, I didn’t even know how to talk about it before this.
So here I am, at the end of 2020, still struggling to crawl out of a hole left by tiny little baby. I want to apologize for all of my ghosting, all of my trying to avoid the world while dealing with some personal things people don’t want to hear about. As much as I tried, it affected me. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to look at my emails. I didn’t want to show up to a photo session. I stopped posting on social media. I just stopped.
I am so sorry. I guess that is the goal of this post. Just sorry. They say 2021 will be better. I am hoping so.
I’ll end this with a picture of my little babe. I’ll meet you someday.
Jeanize you are unimaginably strong for sharing such raw and emotional words so beautifully. I cant imagine the pain and loss you and Brent have gone through. Lean on each other and to all those around you. My mom shared a quote with me recently, “Grief is love with nowhere to go.” Your baby was so loved and thats why the pain is so unbearable. You’re incredible girl. Keep putting one foot in front of the other at your own pace. Let me know if you need anything.
I am so sorry this happened to you, I had no idea. But know exactly how you feel. 6 yrs later and it doesn’t feel any better than when it first happened. You will always think of the day that baby was due and how old they would be now, and all the mile stones you missed, and even though it was so long ago it still seems like yesterday. you will have another chance, and you will both be great parents, and love that baby just a little more because of the one you never got to meet.
You are a strong, amazing woman. I am so sorry to hear of the pain that you and Brent are going through. Take all the time you need because grieving is important. You are in my thoughts. <3
3 Comments on My 2020